November
11/16/2023 (last post 
)
Today will be the last daily post. It's too much of a security risk plus it's over sharing. It's just a bad idea to post what happens in your day to everyone on the internet. I'm not sure if I want to take down the other days, but this is definitely the last day. Today was a good day though. I ended up practicing my guitar in the car like I said I would. I'm happy with the results, but I don't think I will go through with the extra credit project because it would just be a lot of work and extra stress that I don't need.
I'm really tired right now, so I'm going to keep this quick. At the start of the day I accidentally wore my dad's shoe on one foot because we wear the same brand. I could tell it was his because it felt weird and it was muddier (he goes outside more than me). In chem our group figured out what we needed to do relatively quickly and also got the post lab questions done in class. This unit is the hardest in my opinion, but thankfully I have a good grade to fall back on for the test. After that I went to the van to play some guitar for an hour and created that masterful performance. Finally, I went to English class and chilled for the rest of the day. Not much more you can ask for!
Goodbye daily post enjoyers, sorry that it had to end like this
11/15/2023
I have a few interesting stories from today. Well, just one story and one idea. I use my mom's van to go to school and I plug my phone into the aux to listen to my music when I'm driving. I accidentally left my phone in the van and my mom needed to use it. I only have around 10 - 12 weeb songs out of at least 100 songs, but somehow there were two weeb songs in a row which were probably playing when my mom started the car. It is what it is, I don't think she really cares, but it's just unlucky. The picture is how it was when she gave it back to me. At least it had my calendar notifications of assignments that I wanted to get done today, so she knows I'm studying at least. Speaking of which, I got my bio molecular sheet done and my Hamlet paper is technically done. I don't really like my paper because my thesis is quite a bit of stretch. I hope that my professor doesn't look at it too critically, but worst case scenario is a get a low B on it. It also feels like it doesn't have much content despite being 5 pages long. Oh well, I don't care at this point and I can touch it up tomorrow.
Also for English, there's a creative project we can do to get extra credit and I was thinking of making a Hamlet related parody for "A Glimpse of Us." It's easy
to play and it would be a good opportunity to learn to sing something. I got the idea because I was listening to a rock version of it and it sounds really good.
The song is a little hard to sing though, I just whisper it in the video because I hate
practicing singing when other people can hear. I don't want to annoy anyone, so I'm thinking of bringing my guitar and singing in the car to practice. The parody
part should be somewhat easy because I like writing parodies, but the fact that it has to be about hamlet makes it hard. There are really no easy, super memorable
lines in Hamlet except the 'to be or not to be' speech. I'll either figure something out or scratch the idea. 
That's it for tonight, so long and goodnight
11/14/2023
Today I learned that this site actually comes up when you search my name now. That's a big problem, now people actually have a chance at finding it. I think that I might retroactively start censoring things because I really do just say what's on my mind here. I've said things that might be a little too much info for everyone to see. Whatever, it's fine, it's not like anyone is googling my name. Anyways, besides that, nothing much really happened today. The most interesting thing was that my guitar lesson teacher told me that I should think about doing the recital performance that their place does once per year. I'm interested in doing it, but I don't know what song I want to play. I don't want it to be too hard because I have little time as it is and I would have to set aside even more time to practice. I'll figure something out, it's on January 20th or some time near then, so I have plenty of time.
I also took a Calculus quiz today and scored an 87%. I get all the concepts on this chapter so far except for something that has to do with left and right. I know so little about it that I can't explain it further than that. It's something to do with drawing boxes to find area under a line and it can be left, right, or center. I'll figure it out by the time the test comes around. I was planning doing the second half of my Chemistry worksheet and working on my Hamlet paper, but I decided to play video games with my friend instead. There's not much work left on both those assignments so it's not really that big of a deal. I didn't do much work on the site today because I was focused on other things (watching youtube). I really just want to work on the site when I feel like it and not force myself to do anything.
Goodnight and see you tomorrow boys
11/13/2023
Today was pretty good. I got everything that I needed to get done, I worked on the site, and I made some plans for the rest of the week. I have to remember tomorrow to pay for my next semester classes before English class or they'll kick me out of my temp registration. The text I sent to my dad didn't go through, so we were a little unprepared for this. No matter what, it should be fine because I registered early so it's not a problem to re-register if something does go wrong. In terms of work I got done: I did my math homework, worked on my english paper, and read chapter 1 of Dracula for tomorrow. I don't think we'll go over Dracula in class, but if we do I have chapter one read out of four. This dude that's writing this journal is so dead. For the site, I added two restaurants to the fast food section and finally reviewed Cowboy Tears. It's a good album, I think that the critics didn't give it a fair shot. That or I have weird taste (I do).
One more interesting thing happened today. One of my professors sent me an email saying that I should do the honors program. I took that as my current work ethic is working out. Unfortunately, I can't really do it because I only have one and a half semesters left here and there's no time to meet the honors program requirement. Anyways, tomorrow I'm thinking about asking that one person to hang out again on Thursday because it was fun. It definitely beats eating alone and walking around for an hour and a half. Thankfully I'm going to have a good night sleep tonight because I don't have to wake up at 8:00 AM. The downside to that is that I have a lot of downtime during the day that I don't really want to spend doing schoolwork. I don't even have much due this week anyways, which sort of sucks because I want to keep up the productivity. I don't like doing assignments super early because it's just not my style. I like meeting deadlines on the deadline, not 5 days before.
Another short entry today, but that's okay. Now that the semester is winding down, it might be time to start thinking about strategies for next semester. In terms of being social, asking in person to do a study session was a major success. I got exactly what I wanted and I had a good time. It's a good idea to try and reproduce these results next semester and also see what else I can do from there. I also proved to myself that I could do it, which helps with confidence with strangers. In terms of academics, there's an extra class next semester, so I have to work 20% harder. I believe that I can handle it, but I may need to min max my time quite a bit more. Overall, I'm not too worried.
So Long and Goodnight
11/12/2023
Today I took a break from being productive and didn't do any homework or work on the site. I needed a day to recover my mental and let loose. Tomorrow I will continue business as usual, but nothing really happened today. Just watched some youtube, played some Rimworld, played some League. Rimworld is fun again for me, so it seems like I've waited long enough. League was not fun as usual, but I don't like any other multiplayer games so it's whatever. I also listened to the Oliver Tree album over and over again. Some of the songs that I didn't initially like are growing on me, so that's good. It's definitely a four or a five. I'm not sure yet which songs I'm going to keep on my phone, but we'll see how they feel in the car tomorrow. Speaking of Oliver Tree, I watched his Anthony Padilla interview today and he's a cooler person than I thought. I guess you don't really know a person until you meet them, but based on what he said I think we could be friends.
Welp, I pretty much went over everything I wanted to say for today. Sorry about the short entry, but I really needed this, so thanks for understanding.
So Long and Goodnight
11/11/2023
It's officially the weekend. I feel like the weekend isn't very special to me because I only go to school for four hours at most per day anyways. I always still have a decent amount of homework to do no matter what day it is. Well, today I got a lot done in terms of productivity and I also had some fun. In total I finished all the chem homework I needed to do for the weekend and also added some quality of life changes to the site. Tomorrow I'm planning on finishing my paper for English and doing a video assignment for math. For fun, I played about two hours of a Rimworld game and I started listening to the album Cowboy Tears by Oliver Tree. This album is much better than the previous album I listened to. I was expecting it to be another bust, but Oliver Tree proved me wrong. I think they will take a little getting used to because he has a unique style, but I already like many of them on day one. I also put Cigarette Daydreams by Cage The Elephant on my phone because I like the song and eventually I want to check out their albums too.
I wanted to watch a movie today, but I started my laundry late and I don't want to get up in the middle of the movie. I don't even know what I would watch. Movies are mostly good, but they're never great. I want to watch a great movie, but it seems like they don't exist. Maybe I'm watching the wrong types of movies. I guess it is very hard to make a compelling story fit in just one to two hours. I was also thinking that since I take a daily picture of myself that maybe I should make a slideshow with music to put on my instagram for the end of the month or end of the year or something. Specifically with Cigarette Daydream in mind (It fits really well for that). If I end up doing it, I should take more unique pictures than just me in the same one room at the same one angle.
Recently I've also had more inner conflicts about the direction I'm taking in life. There are some significant choices that I will be making in the near future and I still don't know what to do. They are some big questions, so I'm definitely not going to figure it out tonight. Unfortunately not having the answer makes me sad with myself because I want to figure it out. It's a choice between action and inaction. It's slightly different from the usual though, I'm not worried about the failure of action. I understand the game now: you play mini, low stake battles to raise your odds and then when you're happy with those odds, you go for the win. Now the mentally hard part is choosing which enemies you want to face. The problem with winning is that sometimes it takes a while before you can play again. That is my problem right now. Anyways, it's time to get some sleep.
So Long and Goodnight
11/10/2023
Today I've done a lot of thinking. I'm going to stop posting in detail about my thoughts on other people. At some point I want to show this site to others and it would be weird having it spread to someone I've talked about. Instead, I'll just say that I hung out with someone and we talked about whatever. I will never say if I'm interested in them or if I'm just friends with them, or anything like that anymore. You'll just have to guess from now on, so enjoy that. I was also thinking that eventually I want to learn how to cook. I only want to do it when I'm living alone because I don't want to learn while other people are observing me. It's weird, but I just don't like being in the learning process and having someone evaluate my every move. It would probably be a fitting hobby for me because I think it's very compatible with listening to music because there's a lot of waiting involved with cooking.
Next, I did my math and computer science homework. This week's math homework involved a lot of summation stuff. They expected me to do one summation problem with 46 loops and I said hell no, I'll just made a program to do it for me. Sorry, but that is not a job for humans. I also watched a movie tonight. I wanted to watch a detective mystery movie, but they always leave me slightly disappointed. Not because they're bad, I actually enjoy them quite a bit. It's because I want to see a team of detectives or one detective struggling to fight a mastermind who seems to know everything. I want to watch a detective take that man down against all odds and uncover the secret of how the mastermind gets away with it. Unfortunately detective movies are something else. "China Town" is no exception. There's going to be spoilers in this section, so if you plan on watching the movie, just skip the rest of this entry.
This movie is strange because it is normal for most of the run time, but gradually strays away from the normal movie formula. The focus of the movie shifts from who killed some girl's husband to who is messing with the water to what is up with the wife of the man who was murdered. The murderer was not some mastermind, he was just an evil, rich man. The fact that the movie was shifting the mystery so much made it so my itch for mystery just wasn't scratched. When we learned who the killer was, it didn't surprise me. The more interesting revelation was that the murder raped his daughter and she got pregnant and the father blames her for it. He said "I learned that at the right place and the right time, anything is possible" when confronted. Definitely a more evil look at that common phrase. This sets us up to despise this guy for the final scene.
The ending of this movie really stuck with me. Jake (the protagonist) shows up to the place where the mom and the daughter are about to flee to Mexico from and it turns out the police already found them. They put Jake in handcuffs and Jake tells them that the evil old guy is behind it. The lieutenant doesn't listen to him and the old guy starts walking to the car to prevent his daughters from leaving. The mother then pulls a gun on her father and tells him to back off. Jake tells her to let the police handle this, but she replies that the evil old guy owns the police. The police don't take this too well and tell her to stop. She drives off anyways and a cop shoots her in the head and she dies. The lieutenant tells Jake that he's doing him a favor and letting him go. Jake is just standing there in disbelief and his colleague says "Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown."
That line summarizes the main theme of "Chinatown." No matter how hard you try, sometimes there are things that you can't make work. Jake tried his best to make sure that the guy responsible for all the horrible things that happened took the fall, but instead he inadvertently let the person who he wanted to save die. For Jake, that quote leaves him wondering why is life like this. I've also felt that way about parts of my life and then had to move on like nothing happened. This goes to show some of this movie's realism. Sometimes bad things happen, but that doesn't mean the world stops with you. You have to keep going or get stuck.
So Long and Goodnight
11/9/2023
Today has been the best day I could have asked for. Well, at least everything went well and some things went better than expected. The chem lab wasn't too hard. Mohammad, Bobby and I did a good job getting everything done right. Ok, yeah, you don't care about how my lab went, let's get to the good part. I had that study session with that girl I was talking about yesterday. It went very well, we did some studying and then just talked about highschool stuff because she went to the same one as me. After that we went to the Subway on campus and talked about what we did for work. I've got to think about what to do next. I'm considering two options: going for an early date or hanging out a few more times before asking. I think I will try the ladder because my experience with the first option hasn't been so great. I think that this has been my best chance so far, so that's good.
After that I played some games with my friend Micah to celebrate. We're playing this new game called Lethal Company. It's a game where you go into a dark factory type place and look for scrap to sell. The problem is that there are monsters and traps in the factory that try and kill you. It's a nice mix between horror and comedy because there are definitely some funny moments. Finally, to finish off the day, Micah and I talked about the girl and we didn't really decide on anything. We did talk for a while though and now it's 12:58 AM, so I need to get some rest.
Peace
11/8/2023
Good evening person reading this. I just had another action packed day filled with things to talk about. First it was business as usual with my chemistry class in the morning and it went as expected. The real meat of today happened during the math test section. I got to the testing center, but the Pearson servers were having issues or something and I couldn't access my test. This caused an hour delay and during this time I rage texted my mom about how the Pearson executives are paycheck thieves and need their jobs revoked. Finally, it started to work and I started the exam. Going in, I was expecting around a 70% because I phoned in my studying last night. The test was easier than anticipated: I only needed to make educated guesses on four questions and I was confident with the rest. I was prepared for the worst submitting it, but you have no idea the sheer amount of joy I experienced when I saw 89%. It seems like I knew the content better than I thought (or I was just lucky).
After that, I slaved away at the prelab that I have due tomorrow. I feel like I'm getting very burnt out and that I need to take a break soon. I ended up finishing the lab, but it was painful and I took intermittent breaks. Also, after I finish writing this I need to catch up on my Computer Science stuff. I'm planning on at least knowing the stuff on the module assignments for tomorrow and I also want to be completely done with the program assignments. I looked at recent announcements and apparently we just need to be up to date up to the classes part. I think I've at least made an attempt on everything there, so it won't take too long to get up to speed. For the programs, the fourth one is going to take three seconds, but the third program is actually hard. We have to use a class that adds two matricies using a two dimensional array. I feel like it's pointless to use a two dimensional array here because you can just input two arrays and add them like that. It's adding extra work to use 2d arrays... Anyways, it's fine, I like programming so I don't think this is going to be too mentally taxing. Plus the only thing I have due tomorrow is math homework, so we're chilling.
I also got the A Beauitful Lie album reviewed today. I think I might have been a little too hard on it, but I want to crack down on the songs on my phone.
I want every song that comes on to make me think "Man, I love this song." That's the end goal, but I have trouble deleting songs. I don't want to
let go of them for sentimental reasons. Like, I probably shouldn't have "A Thousand Sleepless Nights" on my phone, but I also don't want to delete it...
What if I want to listen to that song? I guess I could make playlists, but I prefer to shuffle all for maximum variety. Alright, I want to chill out for a while
before I start the next grind, so I bid you farewell.
P.S maybe tomorrow we'll get a pic of me at school 
So Long and Goodnight
11/7/2023
Today was slightly better than expected. I woke up, wrote my draft for English class, then watched youtube until it was time to leave. I think I've settled on the songs I want to keep on A Beautiful Lie. I narrowed it down to four songs and then to three. The whole album isn't that good, but these three songs are decent. I hope their next albums are better, I know one more good song is coming up. Anyways, the girl I was talking about yesterday sat next to me in the hall waiting for class to start. I doubt that really means anything, but I noticed it. Class went well, I think God felt bad for me or something because I was put in a group with her too. Anyways, after class ended I asked her to help me with some CS quiz stuff that I actually needed help with and she said sure. Honestly, I doubt anything will come of this, but it's a good step forward I think.
After that I had my guitar lesson and it went overtime for a little bit. On the one hand that's bad because I had to study for math, but on the other hand it's good because that mean my guitar teacher is having a good time. Plus it's more value for me in terms of money as well. Finally, I ended my day by studying for my math test tomorrow. I stopped early because I'm tired, but I think I'll do fine. I think I'll get a C at worst and if I do, I'll study harder for the next test and go for an A. It'll be scary sitting at a C for a while, but I'll manage. Tomorrow I'm going to take it easy, get my work done, and probably add an album review for the new one. I'm really tired now, so we'll keep it at that.
So Long and Goodnight
11/6/2023
Today was a chill day, but I'm glad that it's over. I did my entire lab report today because the hell on earth day for me is tomorrow, so I don't want to have to do anything else but study for math. Honestly, writing the lab report wasn't so bad, it was just long. Hopefully we don't have to do a lab report for the next lab, but I have a feeling that we will as it's a two week lab. Speaking of chemistry, I got another good look at the person that I like and she is extremely beautiful. I reality checked myself and said there's no way I would ever win with her. She's definitely got a boyfriend and I would be too nervous to talk with her anyways. I think I should just go with that one other girl that I've talked to a couple of times. She reminds me of myself a little, so maybe that's a good sign. I really don't know much about her though, so maybe I shouldn't say that. Anyways, I think tomorrow I'm going to ask her if she wants to get lunch over the weekend or something.
I also made a Hinge account today too. I really don't expect anything to happen with it, but sometimes miracles happen. I think that maybe I'll look through it while I'm listening to new albums. Last time I got depressed because I felt insecure about myself and getting no matches made it worse. I'm going to try and not let it bother me this time around because I'm also trying things in real life too. ChatGPT was right, people like me can't just use dating apps as a replacement because real life is important too.
I'm debating whether to do my english homework now or before class tomorrow. I think I'm going to do it before class because I'm super burnt out after doing that lab report. Also, I didn't get much work done on my CS Homework because I'm short on time. I think I'm just going to do it all on Wednesday or later because program 3 is going to be hard and I can tell. Alright, that's enough for today, I need to get some rest.
The calm before the storm. Good luck tomorrow Zachary Gosling
11/5/2023
Although Sunday is technically the start of the week, everyone knows that it's effectually the end of it. This day has been a fitting end to the week. Lol, sorry, I just didn't want to start another one of these entries with 'Today.' This day started off with me getting the second program done. The part that was hardest for me was actually one that I technically didn't have to do. The program was an invoice class which has four values stored in it. The problem wasn't making the actual class, it was demonstrating it. There was a description parameter that I needed to enter and I wanted to do it with cin, but it wouldn't take anything after writing space. To fix this, I used getLine and it didn't even work at first. There was a problem because I used \n in the cout. I then fixed that by using the ignore function in cin before doing the get line. I have no idea why it works, but it does, so I'm not complaining. A few hours later I started and finished my chem homework for Monday and it was shorter than usual, which I am grateful for.
Anyways, after that I watched some Youtube videos and then started working on the site again. I did two album reviews today: The Hands That Thieve and Sour. I only have three HTT songs on my phone at this point, but I relistened to the album to do the review and it was better than I remembered. I still probably wont add more songs from the album because I want to keep the variety of my shuffle high while also cutting down on space used. Sour was better than I remember too, but that isn't saying much because it's pretty trash. Sour is the Olivia Rodrigo album with "Drivers License" on it and all the songs have awful flow. I guess brutal was okay, but even that wasn't great. I'm excited for the next album review because it's on an album that I was pleasantly surprised with. Jaws of Life by Pierce The Veil. Don't miss it.
After dinner I watched Blade Runner 2049. I always watch movies with the stuffed animal in the picture above. I like to pretend like he's alive and can understand english and I let him use one of my earbuds. It's silly, but I like to do it so... Yeah... SPOILER TIME, ALL SPOILERS WILL BE IN THIS PARAGRAPH. Somehow this 2 hour and 30 minute movie kept me entertained the entire time. It's an impressive feat for a zoomer or whatever the hell I am. I believe that this was a great successor to the original and was definitely more entertaining too. One thing movies do an excellent job with is endings. Most shows that I've watched have horrible endings that are completely unsatisfying, but movies are usually pretty good. At the end of Blade Runner 2049, Ryan Gosling lost everyone close to him. He lost his girlfriend when Luv smashed the device containing her and he lost his father when he learned that he was actually given false memories. Then we're just left there with him lying down in the snow after telling Deckard that he's fine. He reminds me of Roy at the end of the original Blade Runner. They both choose compassion at the end, they both lose their lover, and they both lose their father. Although Roy does kill his father intentionally, so it is a bit different.
Now we've got to talk about tomorrow. I'm just going to keep it simple. If I see her before class starts, I'll sit down and ask her if her name is hername. I think I know her name, but I'm not really sure. Then after that, I'll ask her how she did on the test and we'll see where it goes from there. If she's not there in the morning, I'll go do the same thing, but at the end of class. Monday isn't really a great day for this because the end of class is pretty ambigous due to the discussion section ending whenever you finish the assignment. Plus I've never seen her before class starts either, so I doubt I'll have any luck there. It's fine, I'm mainly looking to make a play next semester at this point. I want to play this one out, but it's pretty hard when you've literally never talked to this person before.
We got a lot done today and also had some fun. Today gets a solid
11/4/2023
Today was a very big day. I started off by getting some progress done on my computer science homework that's due next Friday. It was suprisingly easy, so instead of doing it all today I decided to do one program per day. Next I told myself that it was time to finally put the site online. It was a huge hassle, but I'm glad I did it sooner rather than later. ChatGPT helped a lot of with stuff that I didn't know about like the apache server language thing. I used it to do some minor stuff with the URL such as always adding www. to the start. I feel like I need to take a deeper dive into that later because there's a lot of things that I still want to do. I want to make a seperate mobile site which presents the info in a more mobile friendly way and that will require some more apache stuff. I'm not going to worry about that much for now because this was painful enough as it is. The site needs to get to a more finished state regardless before I do that.
I tried looking up my name and my parents names and the site didn't come up which gives me some relief. Very few random people will find this site unless they do a thorough cyberstalking investigation on me. If that's not the case and it's easy to find me, that's chill too. I will accept that outcome. Now that we're online I will also be more careful in what I say since it's possible for people other than me to see this. I think talking about my daily life is fine, but maybe the indepth view into my thoughts could be a bit much. I will be much more vague if it ever comes down to me having interpersonal relationship problems. For instance: I think it's okay for me to talk about my problems in self esteem and social situations, but it's not okay for me to go into why person x is bothering me. I will keep everyone anonymous except my parents, so don't worry about that either.
Anyways, besides the site, I listened to some new music and watched Blade Runner (1983). I was listening to the Doaenel Frenchcore playlist again and heard a version of "The Kill" by Thirty Seconds to Mars. I decided then that it was time to check them and their albums out. So far, I liked three songs and the rest are all mediocre or bad. The album I'm listening to is A Beautiful Lie. It's still early in my process though, so some songs have a chance to grow on me. I'll juice out the songs for a couple days before I go to bed and then I'll add it to the album review section. Now it's time to talk about Blade Runner. When I started watching the movie, I was getting excited because I thought it was going to be a cop mystery movie. Unfortunately after the first hour I found out that it was more of a drama than a mystery and I was sad and a little bored. Thankfully the second half picked up the pace and saved the movie.
SPOILER PARAGRAPH: The scene where Roy decided to spare Deckered was the best part of the movie by far. It's amazing that they made me feel bad for the guy who just killed some old guy by squeezing his eyes in. At this point the movie does a great job showing the struggle of the machines and how their lives are just fucked from birth. The ethics of these robots might actually become a reality as artificial intelligence advances.
Alright, that's about it for today. Big steps were made, but it was quite a bit of work and I'm tired now. I just need to have enough energy for tomorrow to get my chem homework done. Then on Tuesday I need to have a huge study session for math because I have a test on Wednesday. Always study the day before so the stuff you learn is fresh in your mind.
11/3/2023
Today was a relaxing and productive day. It was a nice change of pace and I'm glad I got some time to unwind. It was a little rough in the beginning because I spent several hours doing math homework, but it feels good knowing I did well on the assignment. In the morning before I woke up, my mom got hand surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome. During breakfast she asked me if I could drive her to Walgreens to pick up some prescriptions. We ended up going sometime in the afternoon and I played her "I'm Just Pete" by Pete Davidson. I learned that the song existed last night from Micah while playing League. I was playing "I'm Just Ken" on the music player and Micah put in "I'm Just Pete." I was pleasantly surprised and thought it better than the original by a lot. Mainly because I love Pete, but the lyrics are crazy good too.
After that, I finished up my Calculus homework and finished about two hours earlier than anticipated. I really hate that class, it's just painfully boring. I was listening to Doaenel's Frenchcore playlist to numb the pain and I was surprised at how much I like it. I really don't like French, but I learned that Frenchcore doesn't actually have to be in French. The stuff on Doaenel's playlist are mainly pop song remixes. After that I put on some videos and started working on the site some more. I love working on the site, it makes me feel really good knowing there's a record of my life and my thoughts somewhere. Not too many people have their life as well documented as me.
I've also been thinking about some old dead guy's quote. "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play" by Immanuel Kant. I have no idea who this Immanuel Kant guy is, but I think he has a point. He probably applied this to some boring science crap, but I'm applying it to my journey in finding my first girlfriend. The point is: it's good to try things, but if you don't have a plan, you're not learning. So, I came up with a few questions to ask girls and I will see which ones work best in getting to know them better. It probably sounds dumb to you because you're used to talking to girls, but I believe this will help significantly for a person like me who has never done this sort of thing before. I am very hopeful for the future, I believe that good things are in store.
As Zyzz once said, "We're all gonna make it brah."
11/2/2023
Today has had a lot of ups and downs. Overall, it has been a whole lot better than yesterday. I ended up not even bothering with the plan I came up with. It wasn't a good plan, it relied to much on luck. Anyways, I had a chem lab today and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I also had a good time talking to my groupmates. Those three people are my main friends in the class and they're all great people. I also overheard the next girl that I like talk about something. I definitely do think she's really pretty. The problem with pretty girls is that they tend to have boyfriends, but I will never give up. I will find a pretty girl that likes me or die trying. I need to find a good reason to talk to her because I'm not in any groups with her. I think I'm just going to have to talk to her when other people are around which is very hard for me to do. Either way, it's not a big deal, I've got a lot of other stuff on my plate anyways.
After that, I had English which is a fun class for me. I read the book and do all the work so I can contribute to the conversation very well. Next, I drove home and encountered a dilemma on the road. There is a busy four way stop sign intersection and I stop just as the guy on the left goes. Now there is a car in front of me and a car to the left is pulling up. The guy in front of me goes since he was stopped when the guy on the left went. He made a right turn and I went at the same time as him, but the guy on my left just goes too so I have to go super speed to not get hit by him. I have the right of way though, so I don't know why he thought it was chill for him to go. Whatever, nothing bad happened, but it was annoying.
I got home and did nothing but watch youtube because I was really tired. I wanted to do a daily computer science practice, but that's just not my style. I'm
more of a spend 8 hours once per week kinda guy and just forget about it for the rest of the days. After that I played some games of League and called it a
day. I didn't get much work done on the website as of writing this, but I'll probably do some more in bed tonight after I finish this section. I've been thinking
about trying to do dating apps again, but I had zero luck last time. In Champaign I got zero matches. No one.
That reinforces the thought that I'm ugly which really sucks. I'm not sure if I wanna go through that again...
Let's start doing a day rating. Today was
11/1/2023
For the first day of November I feel pretty down in the dumps. I'm usually more sad during the cold months, but a lot has gone wrong recently. The more I work on this project, the more I feel like uploading it will hurt me more than help me. I don't have a problem with someone knowing the stuff I posted here, but it's bad for my future. Corporate people don't want guys like me working at their company that share too much. This site is something that I seriously want to make, so I won't stop no matter what.
The next thing that's been bringing me down is the feeling that I'll ever find a match for me. It's hard enough to even find a friend in real life. I'm not even hanging out as much with my long time friends that I play league with. Don't get me wrong, this isn't one of those "I don't think anything is fun anymore" depressive episodes. I get A LOT of enjoyment from making this site and finally being able to get school work done. The thing is that there are just so few people that like the things I do. The only things that I do for fun are making this site and doing work while listening to my favorite songs. That's a problem because normal do things like watching movies and TV shows. I don't mind doing that stuff, but it would have to be with another person because I don't want to go out of my way to do something less fulfilling to me. I have some hope because I believe there is something in the brain that makes you connect with another person that transcends hobbies. You just click with some people. Problem is, I don't talk with enough people to get to know them enough to know if we click.
Another thing that's been weighing on me is the uncertainty of my future career wise. I'm supposed to get my associates degree and then transfer to a 4 year university doing computer science. Problem is that this computer science course I'm taking right now in C++ really sucks. The content is fine, but how they structured the class is complete garbage. The programing assignments are perfectly fine. The module assignemnts are not. These module quizzes are super trash quality. They've got typos in the answers, they have parts where you have to fill in the blanks, but what you have to write is very specific so you have to mindread the professor. And I can't help but feel like this is what's in store for me. And the worst part is I have to work extremely hard for this miserable future. Apparently they are going to take into account my UIUC GPA for my transfer to a four year university. My GPA for UIUC was really bad, so I need to go crazy here at Harper in order get into a good school. It's just an awful situation that seems hopeless right now.
In regards to the website, what I think I'm going to do is only tell specific people that it exists. What I mean by that is if I tell you that this site exists, you can freely tell people it exists. I just don't want some office random to decide I'm not brand friendly to their company and overlook my application. Now, for the thing about not being able to find someone for me. I think what I have to do going forward is just force myself to talk to more people whenever I can. I feel mostly comfortable about how I look now, but I still get anxiety about starting a conversation anyways. It's a constant war of worrying about how other people perceive me. It's impossible for me to see the bigger picture in the moment. The reality is that I should be able to do whatever I want (within reason) because I'm never going to see these people ever again after this semester ends. Unfortunately, my brain prioritizes right now over later. Anyways, I'm gonna try and talk to someone in my class again tomorrow. I have a plan that could work: I'm going to stand in a spot that I've stood in before where the other person stood next to me. Then for my opener I'm going to go with "Hey, is your name [what I think her name is (I actually dont know)]?" If it doesn't follow the plan exactly, I'm done for the day. Life keeps trying to teach me that trying to go out with someone at work or in your class is bad news, but for now I'm going to keep brute forcing.
Anyways, let's get into what actually happened today. Well, one good thing that happened was I got a 91/100 on my Chem test. I feel pretty happy about that, but it was definitely expected. I also finished my lab report in the time I expected to do it. The bad things about today were that it was way too cold (Illinois sucks in that regard) and I dropped a glass. I also wanted to work on some CS Stuff, but I'm moving that to the weekend because the 6 hours I spent on the chem lab burnt me out. So nothing too interesting in real life, but I feel like my internal struggle was at least a little engaging. Hopefully tomorrow is better!
October
10/31/2023
Today was better than yesterday. Getting over some stuff. I got quite a bit of progress done on the website. I also decided that I want to
manage my time better. To do this, I allocated time on my google calendar for specific assignments and also put in when my classes were.
I've done this before, but I overloaded it too much and gave up two times 
before. Now I'm going to be more careful and only put in what I can handle.
Halloween was so cold this year that it was snowing. I wasn't home when the kids were trick or treating, but my mom said that there were
a surprising amount of them. Little guys are on the grind this early... Impressive. Also, I finally figured out what I want to do with this
section. It's going to be like a little personal diary. I got the idea because I thought it would be funny to put the previous day in.
At least one good thing came of the rejection.
10/30/2023
